Note to self: Make sure you pee BEFORE you go running. You're not young anymore, you know! End note.
My daughter and I went running last night and I *almost* put on a panty liner. Any woman reading this that has more than one child will probably know what I'm talking about. The dreaded bladder control problem that comes about when you a)run b)laugh c)jump d)do just about anything else.
Well, I didn't put one on, and I swear to you, no less than five minutes into our run, she makes me burst out laughing and all of a sudden the scene looks like this:
Me: Laughing hard.
Amanda: Laughing hard.
Me: I stop laughing. Eyes wide in shock. "Oh, crap!"
Me: "Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!"
Me: "I just totally peed myself. Really bad."
I mean, it wasn't THAT bad. But it was more than just a little leak. And I had no protection on. So for the rest of the run, I keep looking behind me and in front of me to see if anyone is around, and then I bend my head down like an ostrich and look between my legs to see if the wet spot is showing.
Oh, it was showing! I show Amanda my crotch. "What am I going to do?! Oh my gosh!!"
Amanda: "Oh man. That IS bad. But you can't see it if you're just looking at you regularly. You'd have to bend down to see it. And maybe people will think it's sweat if they do see it."
At this point, I feel like an 80-year-old woman and have visions of me wearing Depends for my future runs. Geez!
And for the rest of the run, every time she made me laugh, I had to do the "hold-it-in-with-your-hand" maneuver, again making sure no one was around. But that only pushed my shorts up against the wet spot, making it spread. I am such a loser!
As old as I felt, Amanda and I always act like a couple of...well, teenagers, when we're together. Only she really is a teenager and I'm not even close.
We started talking about how cool it would be to be on a reality show and have cameras follow us around, because we think we are so incredibly hilarious, and surely the world would agree.
"Pretend you have a camera on you now," she says.
So we do. And all of our jokes suddenly sound really lame.
"No," we agree. "If we had a camera on us, we'd be too nervous to be funny."
Then the discussion leads to celebrities and papparazzi.
"Can you imagine if you had cameras following you all the time like that?" Amanda asks.
Then she starts to do the most hilarious impression of a papparazz(what's the singular spelling for that? "o"? "a"?).
You probably had to be there and I so can't do it justice but I'll try....she gets this serious look on her face and uses her hands as the camera lens. She's running along side of me.
"Could you please stop?" I say, all exasperated, doing my best celebrity impression. "I'm just trying to have a private run here!"
Then she starts running right in front of me, her "hand camera" directly in my face. And then I burst out laughing again. And I pee again, too. UGH!
Speaking of reality shows, it was like a freakin' Discovery Channel show while we ran. Here's a list of all the animals we saw:
~A mother deer and her two baby deer.
~Lots of rabbits, and two baby bunnies that we walked right up to.
~Some sort of animal that looked like a rabbit, but didn't have any ears. Couldn't identify that one!
~A snail with its shell on its back.
~A baby toad that hopped in front of us and scared me to death (but I didn't pee!)
I got a picture of the baby bunny and the snail with my camera phone. Now I have to figure out how to get it from my phone to here!
Oh, and on the way home, we were so hot and dying and our neighbor on the corner (who no one knows or talks to) had their automatic sprinklers on. The spray was reaching onto the sidewalk, but you had to wait for the sprinkler to rotate all the way around.
So Amanda and I are trying to get sprayed. There was a really low one and we're grabbing at the water spray and getting like nothing on us, laughing our butts off. It's dark out at this point, by the way.
Then, the big spray comes around and smacks Amanda in the face and I run right behind her and get a good spray on my back.
Suddenly, the neighbors open their back door, give us a dirty look and turn off their sprinklers!!!! ROFLMAO!!!
I mean, come on, people! We were on the sidewalk, not your yard, for Heaven's sake! Were we going to "use up" some of your precious water by standing in it for a second. People can be so kooky!
Okay, I'm off to have coffee with my friend who forgot we were supposed to meet today, but thankfully is going to go anyhow (I SO did not want to get my butt out of bed for nothing early this morning!).
Hopefully I won't pee while I'm there. :)