Jan 14, 2008

"I'm Allergic to Nasty"

Amanda treated me to dinner the other night, and...Oh. My.Gosh. Okay, I'll just give you a run down so you can see how crazy we get when we are out together.

(note: I have photos on my cell phone to go with this, but still haven't figured out how to get the photos on here...I am lost without my laptop and I'm an idiot when it comes to my new phone, but I will try to get them on here soon)

(note #2: Aha! I was able to email the photos to myself and get them downloaded from my email account. Woo me!)

(This was not the photo of us in case you couldn't tell)

As soon as we got in her car to go to dinner, we went to play my Britney CD. It was dark and I couldn't see where to insert the CD and Amanda kept yelling at me, "Right at the top! Just put it in!"

So I did, all hurriedly, yelling "All right!" But then, no music came on. "It says 'No Disc.'"

We pull over to the side of the road and turn on the car light. It turns out I put the disc in the 1/5678925443th of an inch of space between the radio and the dashboard. It's stuck there even as I write this.

We then started talking about a house we have to go to soon to deliver a meal. It is a friend of a friend and they are...how shall we say...backwoods. Really backwoods. So no offense to those who are sort-of backwoods. :)

We were trying to figure out how we would leave after delivering the meal if we got stuck there talking or something.

So I said I'd make up an excuse. That I was allergic or something. And then I said something that Amanda said is the best line ever, and one we keep using every chance we get now:

"You'll have to excuse me, I'm allergic to nasty."

We repeated it all night long. "Hey, I can't be with you, I am allergic to nasty"..."Excuse me. Can you step back? I'm allergic to nasty." (say all of this with the bitchiest valley girl accent you can).

I even dared her to fake a sneeze at the checkout in the grocery store and say it to the cashier. She was actually going to do it, so I had to tell her not to.

I added a little something to the line...."I'm allergic to nasty, but I'm addicted to fine." But Amanda said I went too far with that and it wasn't funny anymore.

Finally we got to the restaurant. Have you ever been in a mood to dance, even when the music is lame?

You have to bear in mind, Amanda and I will turn out the lights in the family room, put on a strobe light, and dance all by ourselves for hours.

Well, we were joking about going all Coyote Ugly in the restaurant and what if we just started dancing on the tables? And this is to stupid songs playing. Really stupid.

But then. Suddenly. The urge became irresistible because..."SUPERFREAK" by Rick James came on. How can you not dance to "Superfreak?"

Somehow we suppressed our inner superfreaks, though, and left without making a scene. Although we did do little shoulder movements and head bobbing, which probably looked more like seizure activity than dancing to anyone watching.

Here's an example of us taking pictures of our lame hand dance moves with my cell phone:

And then we were just taking random pictures and laughing our asses off, which I'm sure all of the customers really enjoyed. Here's one where the camera distorts our noses so that we look like a John Lovitz photo, minus everything about him but his nose, of course:

After entertaining the crowd at the restaurant, we then made our way to Starbucks for dessert. You know how when a place is filled with people and they all turn and look whenever someone walks in?

Well that was the situation and we were very prepared. I had my hand on the door for the grand entrance and we had our game faces on...when we suddenly realized Amanda left her wallet in the car.

Game faces off, hand from the door drops, door slams closed, and we try to recover and pretend we meant to do all of that as we walk back to the car for the wallet.

It was as if the gods of coolness were like, "Uh...no. Don't EVEN pretend like you're cool after that."

Because as we walked to Amanda's car, she smacks her face into the car's antenna. I see her head bounce back out of the corner of my eye and she's doubled over laughing.

She can barely get out..."I...ran...my....face...into...the....antenna."

Then I double over laughing, which is not a good thing. Because when Amanda makes me laugh that hard, I ALWAYS pee my pants.

She gets her wallet, and I check for a pee spot. I mean I have to determine if it's small enough for us to make our second grand entrance into Starbucks. Luckily for me, there's no dark circle in sight, so we happily walk back to the store.

Our entrance was perfect the second-go-round. We know everyone was impressed. *grin*

For most people, the sugar rush from a Starbucks drink would make them hyper, but for us it's the opposite. I mean you can't get much more hyper than we already were.

The sugar was our kryptonite and we finally crashed when we got home, which equates into "normal mode" for most people.

But my Britney CD is still stuck in her dashboard. Any ideas on how to get it out? :)

Jan 11, 2008

I Like it Hot!

Sometimes I say the dumbest things. Okay, not just sometimes.

Anyway, I was at Panera bread with my kids and I asked the two teenage boys at the register if the ham and swiss sandwich comes hot or cold.

"We can put it in the toaster," one of them said.

"Okay, good. Because I like it hot."

As soon as I said it, I was like, "Oh crap. I did not just say that."

I looked at the menu and ignored them to try to pretend like I did not just make a huge innuendo-sounding statement. And I could hear them snickering right in front of me.

I kept ignoring it for a minute or so and finally turned around and looked one of the pimply-faced teens in the eye with a "You are a total perv" look, and he stopped laughing immediately.

After we sat down to eat, one of the boys decided to take a walk around the restaurant for no apparent reason. He walked right towards us, looking at me and stopped at our table.

He asked if everything was good (he didn't ask the five million other people in the restaurant), and I told him it was.

You don't know how bad I wanted to say, "Oh my gosh, it's SO hot. Just the way I like it." Just to freak him out.

Only it probably wouldn't have freaked him out. It probably would've done the opposite which is just plain gross. So I guess it's good I played dumb and acted like it was perfectly normal for him to come ask us how our food was.

Silly boys. STUPID me!

I have two giveaways going on at my other site. Click here to enter. Enjoy!

Jan 9, 2008

Be Kind to Your Privates

I keep saying I don't have time to post or comment, and then stuff keeps happening that makes me jump on really quick to do just that. :) This was too funny (to me at least) to not come on here and post really quick.

Conversation in my house about a half-hour ago:

Amanda: "Do you know that they have toilet paper with the Constitution on it?"

(note: I just realized the pun in that! Maybe that would explain why they made it.)

Me: "No way! Why would anyone do that?!"

Amanda: "I guess for anarchists and stuff. I want to get Bill Clinton toilet paper."

Me: "I wouldn't want his face anywhere near my privates."

Amanda: "That's true. What about Hillary?"

Me: "No, I still wouldn't like that idea. There's just something about having anything I don't like being in that area. Like it would be disrespectful to my privates."

Amanda: "You so have to blog that."

Me: "I know."

By the way, Amanda has her own blog now! Yay! Go show her some love by clicking here. And she's looking for advice on how to pull up her content so it's at the top and not at the bottom below her sidebar. Thanks! Congrats, Amanda!