Instead?

Since the subject of Crimson Tides, Code Reds, Arts and Crafts Days in Panties, etc. came up (in case you haven't been able to tell....these are all euphemisms for periods!), I thought I'd share a horrific experience I had today.

Guys, you might want to look away...well, unless you want a good laugh at a woman's expense.

A long time ago, Laura (I think it was you, Laura) blogged about these new feminine cups that are supposed to be better than tampons.

So I went to the store and bought some. The brand I found is called "Instead."

I tried it last month on my lighter day. It was nighttime and I forgot I had it in. I had planned on taking it out before I went to bed, in case I needed my husband's help. Seriously.

But, when I remembered, he was already asleep, and he went off to work the next day. I panicked the next morning, but after about 20 minutes of trying, I got it out.

This month, I decided to try it out on one of my heavier days to see if I could trust it when I'm at the beach or pool. After only about a half hour of wearing it, the Crimson Tide began to flow!

So I decided to dive into the Tide and get the thing out. Oh. My. Gosh. I am still traumatized by the experience.

It was like medieval torture. I'm going to be graphic here, so be forewarned.

That thing goes so far up you almost have to put your whole arm in there to get it out!!!

This is how my husband found me in our bedroom this afternoon:

Skirt off and panties off, shirt on, towel under me, Code Red EVERYWHERE, dripping down my hand which is in the air, my legs spread apart, and me yelling to him, "HELP ME GET THIS DAMN THING OUT!!!!!"

He said it looked like someone shot me in my hoo-ha (my term, not his).

He tried his best but it just made me more squeamish. He suggested I get down on all fours, so I tried that. No luck. Bent knees. No luck.

I finally decided to try my finger in a different position, reaching sort of up and then down instead of up and back, which seemed to just push the thing farther up.

I got a good grip on the rim of the cup and it was finally out!

"I thought we were going to have to call the fire department," my husband said.

It looked like a crime scene when I was finally done, and I felt like I just gave birth, only instead of a beautiful baby, it was this ugly, bloody cup.

Instead? Instead of what? I'm not going near those things EVER again!!!!